My life is shit and its getting hard to not give up

My life sucks. Im really trying to keep being an good person but when so much shit is going on in my life I dont see the positive anymore.

I got a speeding ticket in December right after I got it I got laid off. I went to court and asked for a payment plan thinking I would of been accepted by unemployment by then. Well, Unemployment denied me because I am in school. I know the lady who I had the phone interview wrote my hours down wrong and is why I got denied so now I am waiting on my appeal date. But still 2 months with no income. Im on my last 78$ to last me till whenenever. I couldnt pay for the ticket since I had no money. So now I have no idea what happens. On top of that I got another speeding ticket on friday. (I was only going 81 on the freeway) which is basically keeping up with the flow of traffic on the 5. Such horse shit. I have no idea what im going to do now.

Still no job. I keep applying everywhere and no where is calling me back. Ive even stooped so low to apply as a waitress at strip clubs. Not even THEY are calling me back. Ive applied to be a 'shot girl' at bars, to pick up dog shit. I just dont know.

My love life is retarded. Im not dating that guy anymore. He told me I had a muffin top so I just couldnt deal with the constant criticism. Ended it. But Ive lost 10lbs since my last post. Finally down to 140. But I have a new goal weight of 130ish. Then maybe I will be happy. Who knows. Im hopping back and forth between ex bfs and new flings. Liam the ex, Codey (new boy) and John (new boy) Idk why I just dont care about anyone because I know in the end I will get hurt. I went on a date with John but everything from my past is already making me push him away. Hes really sweet to me and very polite and kind (arent they all) But hes a marine. I vowed to never date one again but its hard when they are everywhere.. and so damn hot. He can tell im being very reserved and kept asking me to loosen up hes not going to hurt me, hes different blah blah blah blah. Douche. Codey, another sweet heart. (Not a marine, yay) Hes too hot. Plus hes moving out here in 2 months to pursue acting and I dont think I want to even get involved with someone who is going to constantly be around temptation. Just a recipe for disaster. Liam, meh. He tells me all these nice things (when hes drunk) and makes me fall for them each time. Then he never remember saying it and we dont talk until the next time we hang out. (btw I havent slept with any of these boys, I just reread it and I sound slutty. Im staying asexual for a while until I get my head on straight)

Life sucks. Im just falling into the state of I dont really want to get out of bed, clean my room, or just do anything. Im not depressed im just blah.

fml.

I am a private person

I always feel so weird writing about my feelings and what is happening in my life but sometimes it is good to vent. So I will try, I havent updated in a year and well a lot has happened. Lets try and break it down in a time line.

January- I was dating russ at the time for about 3 months, pretty sure he was fucking girls behind my back and was obsessed sexually with trying to fuck my friends. Straight up asked me friend while I was at a bar to have a threesome with her and I she said uh no so he asked if he could just fuck her. (the idiot I am gave him another chance) then he dumped me an hour before our dinner plans on Valentines Day.
February- night after Russ dumped me I met Liam. Dated him for 3 months he ended up being a douche, found out he was talking to other girls behind me back. Gave him multiple chances, then he got his deployment papers and was gone within 4 days. Day before he left found in his phone he told some girl he had no gf and we were just fuck buddies.
March- Partied didnt do crap
April- Parited didnt do crap
May-December Met a boy named Demry. We met through Liams best friend Clinton who introduced us. We hit it off great. We dated for 7 months. Then he dumped me 5 days before I was supposed to fly home to meet his family in Colorado. Said this isnt what he wants right now he isnt ready for a serious commitment. Then later he said he doesnt want me to have a boyfriend who died in afghan hed rather me have an ex and it wouldnt "hurt so bad" (since he was deploying in February) Meh,

Devin came home from deployment In late June. We have seen each other multiple times but talked everyday. We have always had this weird stupid connection. Its hard to get over because he will always be the father to my unborn child and a fiance to a marriage that never happened and that just sort of impacts your life and is hard to forget. But him and I both know nothing will ever happen between us again. We hate each other so much but love each other at the same time.

I guess I just sort of stopped caring about boys. Yes of course it hurts a little but I know that there is still someone out there for me so if one doesnt work out its on to the next one. My problem is I settle. I see the good in everyone even if they are evil. So I make excuses for them when they are mean to me or do shitty things. Which I need to stop. I know I am a great person and yet the worst men get a hold of me and just break me down more than I thought I could.

My life has been very up and down. But always more down than up. I got laid off, cant find a job. The only good in my life now is finally going to Vet Tech school. I got twice a week and volunteer at the animal shelter. This is what I want to do in life. Its what Ive always wanted to do. I want to start a rescue for animals who are on death row / take in abused animals and nurture them back to health.

I have been having a lot of body issues lately. I dont feel like I am honestly good enough / thin enough for anyone. Ive been thinking about it and I think its because since all my exs have cheated on me maybe if I was thinner or in shape they wouldnt have. Because I would have been the "perfect package" in my eyes. Ive lost about 10lbs so far and still want to lose 20lbs. I am 5'9 and 150. I feel like that is way too heavy for me. The guy I am currently dating goes to the river alot and has invited me. We have been dating about 2 1/2 months and I have talked to him about him doing something that bothers me that is making me feel like shit about myself. ANy time he sees a thin girl or a girl with huge tits he makes a comment like "ohmygod" "look at those tits" "she has a hot body" and its just getting to the point where Idk if I can take it anymore. Im to the point where if I am intimate with someone I need the lights off to feel maybe a little bit sexy. I feel like I am soft and giggly. Idk I know its in my head but its overcoming me now. Its gotten to the extreme point to where I did things I shouldnt have to lose the weight. But I stopped it. Now I am trying natural Herbs to help me lose my flub. so whatever who knows. I am fucked in the head.

I have no idea what else to talk about.