My life is shit and its getting hard to not give up

My life sucks. Im really trying to keep being an good person but when so much shit is going on in my life I dont see the positive anymore.

I got a speeding ticket in December right after I got it I got laid off. I went to court and asked for a payment plan thinking I would of been accepted by unemployment by then. Well, Unemployment denied me because I am in school. I know the lady who I had the phone interview wrote my hours down wrong and is why I got denied so now I am waiting on my appeal date. But still 2 months with no income. Im on my last 78$ to last me till whenenever. I couldnt pay for the ticket since I had no money. So now I have no idea what happens. On top of that I got another speeding ticket on friday. (I was only going 81 on the freeway) which is basically keeping up with the flow of traffic on the 5. Such horse shit. I have no idea what im going to do now.

Still no job. I keep applying everywhere and no where is calling me back. Ive even stooped so low to apply as a waitress at strip clubs. Not even THEY are calling me back. Ive applied to be a 'shot girl' at bars, to pick up dog shit. I just dont know.

My love life is retarded. Im not dating that guy anymore. He told me I had a muffin top so I just couldnt deal with the constant criticism. Ended it. But Ive lost 10lbs since my last post. Finally down to 140. But I have a new goal weight of 130ish. Then maybe I will be happy. Who knows. Im hopping back and forth between ex bfs and new flings. Liam the ex, Codey (new boy) and John (new boy) Idk why I just dont care about anyone because I know in the end I will get hurt. I went on a date with John but everything from my past is already making me push him away. Hes really sweet to me and very polite and kind (arent they all) But hes a marine. I vowed to never date one again but its hard when they are everywhere.. and so damn hot. He can tell im being very reserved and kept asking me to loosen up hes not going to hurt me, hes different blah blah blah blah. Douche. Codey, another sweet heart. (Not a marine, yay) Hes too hot. Plus hes moving out here in 2 months to pursue acting and I dont think I want to even get involved with someone who is going to constantly be around temptation. Just a recipe for disaster. Liam, meh. He tells me all these nice things (when hes drunk) and makes me fall for them each time. Then he never remember saying it and we dont talk until the next time we hang out. (btw I havent slept with any of these boys, I just reread it and I sound slutty. Im staying asexual for a while until I get my head on straight)

Life sucks. Im just falling into the state of I dont really want to get out of bed, clean my room, or just do anything. Im not depressed im just blah.

fml.

I am a private person

I always feel so weird writing about my feelings and what is happening in my life but sometimes it is good to vent. So I will try, I havent updated in a year and well a lot has happened. Lets try and break it down in a time line.

January- I was dating russ at the time for about 3 months, pretty sure he was fucking girls behind my back and was obsessed sexually with trying to fuck my friends. Straight up asked me friend while I was at a bar to have a threesome with her and I she said uh no so he asked if he could just fuck her. (the idiot I am gave him another chance) then he dumped me an hour before our dinner plans on Valentines Day.
February- night after Russ dumped me I met Liam. Dated him for 3 months he ended up being a douche, found out he was talking to other girls behind me back. Gave him multiple chances, then he got his deployment papers and was gone within 4 days. Day before he left found in his phone he told some girl he had no gf and we were just fuck buddies.
March- Partied didnt do crap
April- Parited didnt do crap
May-December Met a boy named Demry. We met through Liams best friend Clinton who introduced us. We hit it off great. We dated for 7 months. Then he dumped me 5 days before I was supposed to fly home to meet his family in Colorado. Said this isnt what he wants right now he isnt ready for a serious commitment. Then later he said he doesnt want me to have a boyfriend who died in afghan hed rather me have an ex and it wouldnt "hurt so bad" (since he was deploying in February) Meh,

Devin came home from deployment In late June. We have seen each other multiple times but talked everyday. We have always had this weird stupid connection. Its hard to get over because he will always be the father to my unborn child and a fiance to a marriage that never happened and that just sort of impacts your life and is hard to forget. But him and I both know nothing will ever happen between us again. We hate each other so much but love each other at the same time.

I guess I just sort of stopped caring about boys. Yes of course it hurts a little but I know that there is still someone out there for me so if one doesnt work out its on to the next one. My problem is I settle. I see the good in everyone even if they are evil. So I make excuses for them when they are mean to me or do shitty things. Which I need to stop. I know I am a great person and yet the worst men get a hold of me and just break me down more than I thought I could.

My life has been very up and down. But always more down than up. I got laid off, cant find a job. The only good in my life now is finally going to Vet Tech school. I got twice a week and volunteer at the animal shelter. This is what I want to do in life. Its what Ive always wanted to do. I want to start a rescue for animals who are on death row / take in abused animals and nurture them back to health.

I have been having a lot of body issues lately. I dont feel like I am honestly good enough / thin enough for anyone. Ive been thinking about it and I think its because since all my exs have cheated on me maybe if I was thinner or in shape they wouldnt have. Because I would have been the "perfect package" in my eyes. Ive lost about 10lbs so far and still want to lose 20lbs. I am 5'9 and 150. I feel like that is way too heavy for me. The guy I am currently dating goes to the river alot and has invited me. We have been dating about 2 1/2 months and I have talked to him about him doing something that bothers me that is making me feel like shit about myself. ANy time he sees a thin girl or a girl with huge tits he makes a comment like "ohmygod" "look at those tits" "she has a hot body" and its just getting to the point where Idk if I can take it anymore. Im to the point where if I am intimate with someone I need the lights off to feel maybe a little bit sexy. I feel like I am soft and giggly. Idk I know its in my head but its overcoming me now. Its gotten to the extreme point to where I did things I shouldnt have to lose the weight. But I stopped it. Now I am trying natural Herbs to help me lose my flub. so whatever who knows. I am fucked in the head.

I have no idea what else to talk about.

My how things change

Havent written since October before devin left. I wrote once this whole story about what happened but I ended up deleting it some how. So I got pissed and gave up. Devin left to Afghanistan Oct 30th. I broke things off with devin November 26th. I got tired of his shit. He was a million miles away and yet still some how managed to make me feel like the shittiest person alive. Hes been begging me back since of course cause he knows he fucked up our whole relationship. He treated me like shit all the time, talked down to me constantly to me and his friends and family for no reason. He has issues deep down issues that he needs to work on. I can feel myself over it just scared to move on. I am seeing this new boy he seems very sweet but dont they all. Im just scared to give my all again and get fucking stomped on. Hes a marine also but hes out in 3 months and wants to stay in California. Devin wanted me to be honest about who he was and I was. Now he wants to kill him and has a death plan for him when he gets back. I cant seem to fully let go of Devin. I think its because I had everything planned out for us and he went and broke my heart. And its not fair. Whatever thats life I guess. Theres so much to talk about but I really dont feel like writing is right now.

Dwindling down

So times dwindling down with Devin and I. It sucks but I think ive already come to terms its happening. I woke up feeling different today. Very stand offish. Everyday I wake up and my moods different. One day Ill be so in love my heart hurts missing him. Another day like today. I get so mad he fucked everything up. One day Ill want to marry Devin. The next I want to end it. I guess thats what I get for being a girl. So indecisive. I dont know if I want to marry Devin before he leaves. Yesterday I did. Today I feel we should wait. I know waiting is the Right decision. But I think with my heart and not my head sometimes and it gets me into trouble. I know I wont fuck up or meet anyone while hes gone. But who knows? Im so flip floppy today. Who knows where my head and heart will be tomorrow.

I hate you

I hate you marine corp. Why cant they Keep a date the origionally start with instead of Flip flopping everything. Or making them go on training missions out of town for weeks when They dont DO ANYTHING there. I dont get it. Now Devins deployment date might be moved up to Oct 15th :/ Which really sucks cause the Marine Ball is on Oct 24th and Deivn bought me a dress and shoes and I have so many other plans for us before he leaves. Im just upset, we find out friday if he is or not. Nothing is going right right now.

I just want to scream.

Cant get it out of my mind

What he did with her, I get visions in my mind of them together. I know hes sorry. They all are sorry. Tell me I did nothing wrong. Its all their faults. I know its true. I know I am a damn good girlfriend. I just dont understand why. Why he had to do it. Why he didnt think about me, our future, our plans. I tried so hard to stay away from him when I found out. To get away. To finally have the stregnth to get pulled into it all over again. If it was under different cicumstances I would maybe understand. But I just lost our child, we were suppose to be getting married that weekend, He's DEPLOYING. It all just hurts so much. I know I can forgive. I have obviously. But I can not forget what he did. I will never love him the same, trust him the same, look at him the same. Which is such a shame for the love I thought we had. I just wish it would all go away. I know hes sorry. He is groveling at my feet and has changed. Im just scared its going to lead down the same road it did with Jason. I knew what jason was doing behind my back with her but I thought he was my true love. So I couldnt give up. IDK. I give him balls for telling it to my face and admitting it. Jason just kept lying over lie when I had proof right infront of our faces. Took him a year after we broke up to finally admit what he did.  All I know is I can forgive but Never forget. I just want my forever.

Oh well, Just another stepping stone in life I guess.

7 weeks 4 days.

Well,

Its been forever since I've had a blog. I feel its time to get another one since I know I will be going through a lot soon. I have been going through a lot and for some reason typing it all out taking my anger and frustration out on a keyboard makes me feel just a tad bit better.

I live each day feeling like I have done nothing in my life that I thought I would have by now. I feel like I'm on cruise control mode just cruising through life and I hate it. Devin has been gone for about 3 weeks now an it feels like forever. I dont even know how I am going to feel when hes gone for 7 months. Our time is dwindling down and seems to be getting shorter and shorter. 7 weeks and 5 days until he deploys. Makes me want to break down and cry everytime I think about it. I know we can make it and will make it. He hasnt even left yet but the fear of something happening to him keeps me up at night. Fear of losing him and not going through all our plans and dreams. I dont even know how I would deal with that. Him and I have gone through so much in this 6 month span I know he is my forever. I just want to start our forever now and not have to watch him leave into a danger zone.  Its what us marine girlfriends and wives have to go through. Thankfully I only have to go through this once, hopefully.