I hate you

I hate you marine corp. Why cant they Keep a date the origionally start with instead of Flip flopping everything. Or making them go on training missions out of town for weeks when They dont DO ANYTHING there. I dont get it. Now Devins deployment date might be moved up to Oct 15th :/ Which really sucks cause the Marine Ball is on Oct 24th and Deivn bought me a dress and shoes and I have so many other plans for us before he leaves. Im just upset, we find out friday if he is or not. Nothing is going right right now.

I just want to scream.

Cant get it out of my mind

What he did with her, I get visions in my mind of them together. I know hes sorry. They all are sorry. Tell me I did nothing wrong. Its all their faults. I know its true. I know I am a damn good girlfriend. I just dont understand why. Why he had to do it. Why he didnt think about me, our future, our plans. I tried so hard to stay away from him when I found out. To get away. To finally have the stregnth to get pulled into it all over again. If it was under different cicumstances I would maybe understand. But I just lost our child, we were suppose to be getting married that weekend, He's DEPLOYING. It all just hurts so much. I know I can forgive. I have obviously. But I can not forget what he did. I will never love him the same, trust him the same, look at him the same. Which is such a shame for the love I thought we had. I just wish it would all go away. I know hes sorry. He is groveling at my feet and has changed. Im just scared its going to lead down the same road it did with Jason. I knew what jason was doing behind my back with her but I thought he was my true love. So I couldnt give up. IDK. I give him balls for telling it to my face and admitting it. Jason just kept lying over lie when I had proof right infront of our faces. Took him a year after we broke up to finally admit what he did.  All I know is I can forgive but Never forget. I just want my forever.

Oh well, Just another stepping stone in life I guess.

7 weeks 4 days.

Well,

Its been forever since I've had a blog. I feel its time to get another one since I know I will be going through a lot soon. I have been going through a lot and for some reason typing it all out taking my anger and frustration out on a keyboard makes me feel just a tad bit better.

I live each day feeling like I have done nothing in my life that I thought I would have by now. I feel like I'm on cruise control mode just cruising through life and I hate it. Devin has been gone for about 3 weeks now an it feels like forever. I dont even know how I am going to feel when hes gone for 7 months. Our time is dwindling down and seems to be getting shorter and shorter. 7 weeks and 5 days until he deploys. Makes me want to break down and cry everytime I think about it. I know we can make it and will make it. He hasnt even left yet but the fear of something happening to him keeps me up at night. Fear of losing him and not going through all our plans and dreams. I dont even know how I would deal with that. Him and I have gone through so much in this 6 month span I know he is my forever. I just want to start our forever now and not have to watch him leave into a danger zone.  Its what us marine girlfriends and wives have to go through. Thankfully I only have to go through this once, hopefully.